The Kentucky Kernel. 29th March 2011
By Nick Craddock
Hold onto your beef jerky. We’re about to start messin’ with Sasquatch.
There’s been a lot of nonsense to come out of Canada (this column falls into that category), but the legend of Bigfoot, also known as the Sasquatch and said to reside in the Rocky Mountains of western Canada, takes the nonsensical cake — a cake which calls for a lot of lies in the recipe. Two eggs, not one.
According to an MSNBC story last week , a Shelby, N.C., man emailed WCNC NewsChannel 36 in Charlotte saying that he had captured video of Bigfoot running across a road into the woods.
The man was quoted as saying “it smelled like a cross between roadkill and a skunk,” which is an absolutely groundbreaking detail to know about a creature that doesn’t exist.
In fact, that is such an incredibly specific description of an odor, which not many people could readily identify with one flare of the nostrils. The only people who can detect such a scent in a five-second span are generally the same people who have claimed to see Bigfoot, devote their lives to proving Bigfoot’s existence or have an obsession with men with an ungodly amount of chest hair.
The man also offered insight into what he believed was Sasquatch growling or snarling at him (or perhaps it was the collective sigh of humanity?) while he shot his video.
If a snarl and a smell don’t finally put an end to the longstanding Bigfoot debate — is it a bipedal humanoid or a husky man in an ape suit?—then what can? People are convicted of felonies in this country on less evidence.
In my experience, ape suits (and therefore, by logic, husky men) are much more common than bipedal humanoids, so I’m still calling shenanigans on Sasquatch.
But on the off chance that I’m wrong, I’ll assume that Bigfoot does exist for a moment, which then begs the question: What was the mythical creature doing in the foothills of Charlotte so far away from its presumed home in the Rockies?
That would be like the Loch Ness Monster being spotted in the community swimming pool, the Abominable Snowman sipping on a pina colada in the tropics or Justin Bieber straying from his cage at Usher’s house for extended periods of time.
The point is that legends have established natural habitats.
And Sasquatch is Canada’s nonsense to protect. There’s no other explanation for this supposed sighting.
Bigfoot certainly wasn’t on vacation in North Carolina. Who wants to take a trip to visit Charlotte’s Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden?
Please, don’t mess with Sasquatch’s home now. He (she?) is already stressed enough as it is because you keep hogging all the Jack Links Beef Jerky.
Note: Jack Links provided no compensation to this columnist for the promotion of their phenomenal assortment of jerky products. And no Sasquatches were messed with during the writing of this column.