Archive | October 21, 2009

An Englishman in a strange land (2)

Camcorder check, camera check, laptop check, webcam check,

Two days to go before the flight and I am packing the last few items. My suitcase seems surprisingly empty. True I haven’t packed any thick woollen jumpers or warm overcoats, but surely my medium sized suitcase should be a bit more fuller. I have a varied complement of ultra cool ‘touristy’ summer clothes, my jogging attire, swimming kit and various toiletries.

I am now having feelings of guilt for not buying a smaller case. The next size down was £30 cheaper. Perhaps I Should have bought that one instead!?

Then all of a sudden I was asked to pack in some recently purchased female clothes to be used as gifts for various individuals in India.

Damn, I thought, should have bought a bigger case! My once half empty anorexic suitcase was now bulging at the seams. If it was human it would most definitely be referred to as a ‘fat bastard’.

But then I saw my wife’s suitcase. Mine was size medium but hers was large. Very large. And it was bursting at the seams. How she has managed to pack so much in to this suitcase is truly one of the great mysteries of the universe!

If her suitcase was human then no adjective within the annals of the Post Norman dictionary could possibly explain it. So I have shown a pictorial comparison below.

 

My Suitcase

My Suitcase

My Wifes Suitcase

My Wifes Suitcase

It then dawned on me that being the man, i would no doubt be carrying this mother of all suitcases. This suddenly filled me with dread. Not because of the weight issue.  I am a fit and healthy individual so this would be no problem.
The problem lies in the very affeminate nature of the flower designs which cover the entire  suitcase. Carrying this around people would no doubt assume that the case belongs to me and by implication question my sexual orientation!!
This wouldnt really be a problem elsewhere, but India is famous for its Eunuchs, or ‘gay boys’ as they more commonly called, and the last thing i want is unwarranted attention from one of these individuals. They very rarely take no for an answer.
Wait a minute! I havent even arrived in India yet and already i’m talking about being molested by a over sexed Eunuch. Clearly the nerves are getting to me. But the real question is why is this trip making me so nervous?
I have backpacked alone in the rugged Northern Californian wilderness, come virtually face to face with bears and Cougers, spent a night in a haunted house, and in all these endevours, nerves were definitely absent.
Yet, a simple two week holiday, and i’m actually nervous. I need to watch some happy, nice  films about India.
But again this means that i would need to do something that i swore never to do. Watch a Bollywood film!!!
On second thoughts, being molested by a grotesque, smelly Eunuch is preferable to watching a Bollywood film!!!
Untill the next time, over and out.